Uncovering the mystery, challenge and opportunity
We all know that the Torah’s perspective is that the building of a good marriage requires much work and
effort. We are commonly taught that marriage is about giving, respecting the other and putting the
needs of the other above those of our own. This is all noble and true. Couples come into their marriage
armed with idealism, good intentions and commitment. Couples believe in and share this outlook.
Yet, a little way down the line, couples find themselves feeling ‘stuck’ and frustrated. In the initial
‘romantic’ phase of the relationship, the partner was idealized. Only good qualities were noticed.
Everything seemed exciting, wonderful and full of promise. Any negatives were minimized or avoided.
What a blissful, euphoric state. Sadly, this is a short lived phase of unparalleled joy and optimism. Real
life quickly kicks in as day to day life stresses begin to emerge.
Many couples are unprepared for this sudden dramatic change. The next phase of the relationship,
known in therapeutic circles as the ‘power struggle’, begins to emerge. Arguments, conflicts, differences
are experienced. There may be a sense of irritability, a feeling that something is not right. The couple
begin to wonder as to what has gone wrong, what is being missed and worse, have they made a terrible
mistake in their choice of a partner?
The couple will generally not give up on their marriage too quickly. Rather, they try harder to
communicate, work at their issues and give to each other; sometimes things will improve, but
unfortunately, often the deeper issues in the relationship are not really understood and addressed and
despite their best efforts and intentions, the couple feels more and more at sea.
In addition, the stresses of life begin to pile up; financial strain, a growing family, and the complicated
relationship with ‘in-laws’, to name but a few. These add huge extra (but actually ‘normal’) pressure to
the relationship. If the foundation of the marriage is not solid, the couple is likely to be going through a
very hard time, again questioning the viability of their relationship.
Imago Relationship Therapy was developed by Harville Hendrix PhD, in partnership with his wife, Helen
LaKelly Hunt PhD. It presents a comprehensive model of understanding and working with couples. This
methodology incorporates both a theoretical perspective and practical tools for dealing with marriage
challenges. The goal is to help a couple transform the difficulties in their relationship, into opportunities.
In order to achieve this, the couple must learn to become aware of their unmet needs in their
relationship and thereafter to express them in positive ways. Usually, however, as each partner
becomes aware of their needs and frustrations, there generally emerges a sense of feeling wronged by
their partner. A list of the faults of the other emerges, both in character and behavior. Each partner can
eloquently and accurately describe what went wrong, how they have been hurt or misunderstood by the
other, how the other has let them down.
Of course, this experience of hurt and disappointment is true and valid, and some relief may be gained
by sharing it. In addition, however, each partner needs help in understanding what they bring to the
relationship in terms of their own negative behaviors, triggers and expectations. In other words, how are
they adding to the problem and even more importantly, why did they choose this particular partner in
the first place?
According to Imago Relationship Theory, there are very deep, specific reasons as to why we choose the
partners we do. In fact we choose someone who is going to annoy us or worse, hurt us, in surprisingly
similar ways to how we were let down in previous pivotal relationships, often that of a parent figure. We
have all been wounded in some way in relationships and it is through a relationship that we must heal.
We can ultimately come to understand that these hurts can actually become opportunities for self
growth when properly understood and communicated in a compassionate way.
There is also growth opportunity in trying to understand the needs and hurts of the other. We strive to
move from a place of judgment and blame to one of curiosity and understanding, from seeing the
partner as an opponent to that of a potential ally and support. We strive to create a safe environment
where partners can share with each other more freely.
Join me over the next few months in trying to understand the seemingly illogical and nonsensical
process of falling in love and whom we choose as our love object, discover how we can make sense of
this, and slowly learn to transform the challenge and frustration into opportunities for growth and deep
connection. Our natural state is one of wholeness and togetherness; let us work together, with
Hashem’s help, to try to achieve this.
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