Uncovering the mystery, challenge and opportunity.

According to Imago Relationship Theory ( developed by Harville Hendrix), an individual unknowingly

chooses a partner who reminds him/her of a previous, pivotal relationship, usually a parent, in which

some painful interaction occurred. Although there certainly may have been many positive experiences

too, we tend to choose someone who ‘resonates’ with a particular difficulty experienced and which

needs to be revisited.

For example (names & details have been changed), Chani grew up in a home with a father who was cold

and critical. She is attracted to and marries Reuvain who is good looking, quiet, charming and somewhat

distant. A few years into the marriage she realizes that he bears striking similarities to her father.

Logically this makes no sense. Surely Chani should have chosen someone warm, loving, caring and

accepting?

The reason Chani chose Reuvain is because:

a) There is something familiar and comfortable about Reuvain, which Chani is almost automatically

drawn to…

b) She chose the same challenge because she somehow knows that she needs to work with this

issue and use this relationship as a growth opportunity. A real healing opportunity occurs as

similar challenges are experienced and one learns to deal with these and grow from them.

The growth occurs as Chani slowly starts to understand the similarity of her previous experience to her

marriage, and that her difficulties with Reuvain are not only about Reuvain being the ‘problem’, but also

about her own issues. She is most likely going to perceive whatever Reuvain does in a heightened way.

Chani will hopefully learn to express her needs in a non-critical, non-blaming manner, so that Reuvain

becomes more attuned to her; at the same time she learns to do what she needs to build in herself in

order to feel more whole. She learns to take better care of herself both in the relationship and outside

of it.

A good part of Chani’s growth will come from realizing that instead of wishing that Reuvain was different

or wondering whether she has married the wrong person, she needs to get in touch with and assert her

needs in a compassionate way that can be heard by Reuvain. In a sense she is learning to take better

care of herself, but also not expecting that Reuvain will understand her perfectly or always get it right.

A further growth would be in Chani also wanting to understand Reuvain’s perspective, and to be curious

about how he perceives her. This takes a lot of strength; to try to understand the other without being

reactive. On a deeper level Chani is helped to really try to feel some of Reuvain’s experience. Of course

Reuvain will also be doing all this for himself and for Chani.

The therapy tries to move away from the ‘right’/’wrong’ judging perspective which we all seem to

naturally fall into. The emphasis is rather on trying to facilitate understanding and connection in the

couple (connections…)

Reuvain would also have his own challenges of course, as to why he has chosen Chani, which also needs

to be uncovered and worked with.

This example is simplified in order to illustrate the point, but in reality, in each couple there are many

levels of complexity which need to be discovered and understood.

Inevitably negative cycles are activated in the relationship. For example, Chani becomes unhappy and

withdrawn if she perceives that Reuvain is cold, which in turn makes Reuvain increasingly frustrated

with Chani and more critical. It is essential for the negative cycle to be understood by the couple and

how they each contribute to its perpetuation. Rather than blaming the other, each party is encouraged

to see their own part in the cycle, and how they can work towards a solution. The emphasis is on

personal growth and change, sharing one’s difficulties in an open way and attempting to be curious and

concerned about the partner’s struggle.

The therapy is done in a contained, structured format in an attempt to create a feeling of safety. The

couple is encouraged to listen to each other before giving their own response. The therapist strives to

maintain an objective, balanced view, trying to understand patterns rather than taking sides in any

conflict.

Marriage has been described as ‘The Ultimate Growth Machine’; may we all merit to use this

opportunity, with Hashem’s help, in the best way possible.