Uncovering the mystery, challenge and opportunity.
According to Imago Relationship Theory ( developed by Harville Hendrix), an individual unknowingly
chooses a partner who reminds him/her of a previous, pivotal relationship, usually a parent, in which
some painful interaction occurred. Although there certainly may have been many positive experiences
too, we tend to choose someone who ‘resonates’ with a particular difficulty experienced and which
needs to be revisited.
For example (names & details have been changed), Chani grew up in a home with a father who was cold
and critical. She is attracted to and marries Reuvain who is good looking, quiet, charming and somewhat
distant. A few years into the marriage she realizes that he bears striking similarities to her father.
Logically this makes no sense. Surely Chani should have chosen someone warm, loving, caring and
accepting?
The reason Chani chose Reuvain is because:
a) There is something familiar and comfortable about Reuvain, which Chani is almost automatically
drawn to…
b) She chose the same challenge because she somehow knows that she needs to work with this
issue and use this relationship as a growth opportunity. A real healing opportunity occurs as
similar challenges are experienced and one learns to deal with these and grow from them.
The growth occurs as Chani slowly starts to understand the similarity of her previous experience to her
marriage, and that her difficulties with Reuvain are not only about Reuvain being the ‘problem’, but also
about her own issues. She is most likely going to perceive whatever Reuvain does in a heightened way.
Chani will hopefully learn to express her needs in a non-critical, non-blaming manner, so that Reuvain
becomes more attuned to her; at the same time she learns to do what she needs to build in herself in
order to feel more whole. She learns to take better care of herself both in the relationship and outside
of it.
A good part of Chani’s growth will come from realizing that instead of wishing that Reuvain was different
or wondering whether she has married the wrong person, she needs to get in touch with and assert her
needs in a compassionate way that can be heard by Reuvain. In a sense she is learning to take better
care of herself, but also not expecting that Reuvain will understand her perfectly or always get it right.
A further growth would be in Chani also wanting to understand Reuvain’s perspective, and to be curious
about how he perceives her. This takes a lot of strength; to try to understand the other without being
reactive. On a deeper level Chani is helped to really try to feel some of Reuvain’s experience. Of course
Reuvain will also be doing all this for himself and for Chani.
The therapy tries to move away from the ‘right’/’wrong’ judging perspective which we all seem to
naturally fall into. The emphasis is rather on trying to facilitate understanding and connection in the
couple (connections…)
Reuvain would also have his own challenges of course, as to why he has chosen Chani, which also needs
to be uncovered and worked with.
This example is simplified in order to illustrate the point, but in reality, in each couple there are many
levels of complexity which need to be discovered and understood.
Inevitably negative cycles are activated in the relationship. For example, Chani becomes unhappy and
withdrawn if she perceives that Reuvain is cold, which in turn makes Reuvain increasingly frustrated
with Chani and more critical. It is essential for the negative cycle to be understood by the couple and
how they each contribute to its perpetuation. Rather than blaming the other, each party is encouraged
to see their own part in the cycle, and how they can work towards a solution. The emphasis is on
personal growth and change, sharing one’s difficulties in an open way and attempting to be curious and
concerned about the partner’s struggle.
The therapy is done in a contained, structured format in an attempt to create a feeling of safety. The
couple is encouraged to listen to each other before giving their own response. The therapist strives to
maintain an objective, balanced view, trying to understand patterns rather than taking sides in any
conflict.
Marriage has been described as ‘The Ultimate Growth Machine’; may we all merit to use this
opportunity, with Hashem’s help, in the best way possible.
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