Attraction ; illogical, powerful, inexplicable
It’s always an interesting exercise to ask couples (and oneself!) how they met and what they were
attracted to in their partner. One often hears reports of a sweeping, overwhelming feeling that “this is
the one” … upon meeting the future partner. The strange thing is that this strong attraction may be
accompanied by a logical voice which is saying ‘stay away’ or, ‘I don’t think this is a good idea’. Most
often the logical voice is overrun by the powerful force of attraction. What exactly is this force called
attraction which is often stronger than logic?
One of the things we have learned from Psychology is that our brain operates on various levels; there is
the conscious level, where for example we meet someone, assess them, decide if we like them or not
and respond by forging an attempt at closeness or subtly avoiding them. However there are also deeper
or unconscious levels to our responses which are not based on reactions only in the present situation,
but also on previous experiences and associations, both positive and negative. This is called the
response of the “old brain”, ie the part of the brain which has been imprinted upon from a very early
age through repeated experiences in early relationships.
An infant is born whole and complete, but as he enters the world he must negotiate reality, separation,
waiting, frustration. This is part of normal, healthy development. Together with these normal challenges
and hopefully with many positive, nurturing experiences, some (or a lot of) hurt, pain, criticism , etc may
be experienced along the way. Of course there is a huge range on this continuum from relative health to
extreme wounding.
According to Imago theory, people search for partners who are similar to their caretakers in positive
ways, but more so who are similar in negative ways. Logically, rationally, this makes no sense. Why
would someone choose a husband who is emotionally distant like her mother was, surely she would
choose a partner who is the opposite; loving, connecting, nurturing?
People have a hard time accepting that this is what they actually do, it seems nonsensical and self
destructive. Harville Hendrix, (Getting the Love You Want, pg 34, 35), Imago therapy founder, says that
after listening to hundreds of couples talk about their partners, he came to the sobering conclusion that
there was a close correlation between partners and parents, and with few exceptions, the traits that
matched up most closely were the negative ones. You might recognize this in your own relationship and
find yourself thinking or saying, ‘you treat me just the same way my mother did…’ Freud called this the
‘Repetition Compulsion”. So the question remains, why indeed do we do this?
The answer is, this choice is an attempt by the ‘old brain’ to recreate the original situation, IN ORDER TO
HEAL IT. In other words to revisit the crime scene, so to speak in order to further understand what
happened and to make of this a different, corrective, reparative experience.
So one major aspect of who you are attracted to, or your Imago, is the ‘other’ who feels familiar, based
on past experiences especially hurtful ones. There is another aspect to the Imago or attraction, namely
the search for what is felt as missing or lacking in the self. Hence the cliché that says opposites attract.
For example, Ruth is gregarious and bubbly but feels that she is lacking in emotional depth, she is
attracted to Ben who is deep and sensitive. She is trying to ‘reclaim’ that part of herself in order to feel
whole.
Thus each person formulates their own Imago; picture of whom they will be attracted to, a combination
of some positives, but mainly negatives of early caregivers + characteristics of the self which are absent
or undeveloped. For example, Bina’s father was critical of her and demanding. H e did not approve of
her behavior and managed to find fault with even trivial aspects of her personality. She was outgoing
and spontaneous and felt somewhat lacking in a solid, academic way. She was attracted to and married
Adam, a highly intelligent, serious young man who found her ‘cute’, but was subtly disparaging and
controlling.
In the initial or Romantic stage of the relationship, the emotion experienced and generated in the
relationship is intense, the very source of the energy, the point of the attraction draws the couple
together, ironically it is this same point which will later become the source of conflict.
Bina saw Adam as highly intelligent and interesting, she was drawn to his intellect and craved to know
his opinion on everything. For a wonderful while she was in a state of bliss, wanting to be with him as
much as possible, hanging on to his every word, feeling complete and euphoric.
This Romantic time is in fact a glimpse into what the couple could ultimately have, albeit in a more
toned down, realistic form. Seeing the good in the other, showing only one’s best side, being fun,
positive, forgiving are all attributes we need to ultimately embrace and integrate into our relationship.
Join me in the next part of the journey where we try uncover what goes ‘wrong’ as the Romantic phase
fades and transforms into the ‘Power struggle’, how this is in fact a normal process in the relationship
and how it needs to understood, negotiated and with hard work and sometimes help along the way,
become a source of growth, healing and closeness.
Recent Comments