THE POWER STRUGGLE
The early stage of the relationship, before marriage, and hopefully for some time after is known as the
‘Romantic Phase’ or ‘Honeymoon Phase’.
During this period, both partners are showing their best sides to each other and also trying to treat each
other as well as possible…. What a great recipe for success!
In addition , each partner wants to hold onto the idyllic picture of each other as long as possible, so in
each one’s mind the positive mental picture persists. The picture of what the partner can do for one is
maintained. Being ‘in love’ is the fantasy that the partner will make us feel whole, complete, that we will
be loved, nurtured, provided for, and by holding on to this picture, we almost create it in reality. We are
surely most reluctant to let this go for this is truly a blessed, blissful state to be enveloped in.
Slowly, sadly and inevitably, however, real issues in the relationship and in life begin to emerge. Each
partner sees in the other aspects they dislike which somehow they were able to ignore or deny before.
There may have been some subtle, niggling concerns, but these were pushed aside and not given too
much attention.
Judy was very drawn to Levi because of his outgoing, positive personality. She is quiet and found his
talkative side appealing and a complement to her. A few months into the relationship, something starts
to change. Judy is feeling that Levi’s outgoing personality means that he talks constantly about himself
or other matters and doesn’t notice her or think to ask her how she is or what she’s been up to. She is
starting to feel invisible and ignored, and worst of all, Levi seems oblivious to her creeping sense of
unhappiness.
On his part, Levi was drawn to Judy’s quiet, sensitive nature, he felt that she was a great listener and
would be there to support and encourage him. Something for him has shifted however, he can’t even
put his finger on it, but Judy seems less interested in him, she is moody and sulky. Try as he might to
engage with her and tell her about his day, she is withdrawn and inaccessible. He is frustrated but
doesn’t know how to reach her.
Curiously the point of Levi and Judy’s attraction to one another, now becomes a source of conflict and
irritation. A negative cycle may begin to emerge where Levi talks more and more and Judy withdraws.
The tone or atmosphere of the relationship may subtly change from one of respect, positivity and
softness, to a sense of dissatisfaction, complaint and criticism. In short the shalom bayis is being
compromised or even be replaced by tension , anger and conflict. Unknowingly a negative cycle may be
being established, for Levi and Judy, their cycle is ( in part) , Levi dominating, Judy withdrawing. Each
couple has it’s own challenges which needs to be understood and unraveled.
In addition to the shift in the relationship, real life challenges come to the fore, financial strain, in-law
issues, pregnancy, physical or mental health concerns to name a few. These create stress for the couple
and if their relationship is anyway being stretched, it is only going to be more challenging. Couples may
find themselves in conflict whether of a loud, aggressive flavour, or of a colder, more distant one
The ‘power struggle’ and the challenges the couple experiences is a normal part of the process of the
relationship, it does not mean that something is wrong with them or that they have chosen the wrong
partner, rather it is the natural progression from an idealized state to a real one. These challenges need
to be understood and negotiated and the real work of the relationship begins.
Professional help may be needed to assist the couple by giving them both tools and understanding. The
crisis is the growth opportunity to address the source of the stress. In the imago dialogue, both in and
out of a session, a couple can learn firstly to address each of their needs and then learn to listen to each
other without responding, this is the first and often the most difficult step.
If Judy & Levi would go for some sessions together, Judy would be encouraged to talk, to explain & share
what she is going through, what she is needing, Levi would learn that she needs to be heard, that by
talking less and trying hard to understand what she is saying, would go a long way to achieve balance
and harmony. This is a simplified example, of course there would be many more layers, both in their
personalities and backgrounds that need to be understood.
The earlier on in the couple’s relationship that this work begins, the easier it will be to set them on the
road to healthier and more open communication and understanding of their negative patterns. Join me
as we continue to understand the challenging cycles manifesting in the Power Struggle, and how we
need to transform this into a connecting, loving relationship.
MARRIAGE DIMENSIONS – 4
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