In relationships, we often face the temptation to control—thinking if we could only steer our partner’s behavior, everything would be perfect. But control, as appealing as it seems, is never a good thing. In fact, it’s an illusion. As William Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy, taught, “The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.” We can choose our thoughts, actions, and even influence our emotions—but trying to control others breeds frustration and distance.

Free Will: The Core of Our Human Experience

The Torah teaches that each person is endowed with bechirah chofshit—free will. The Rambam (Mishneh Torah, Laws of Repentance) emphasizes that our choices are ours alone. We may long for loved ones to change, but the power to choose rests with them. Acceptance of this truth forms a foundation for healthy connection.

Our Sages note that changing one character trait can be harder than conquering a city (Avot d’Rabbi Natan 16). Real change requires inner readiness, time, and effort. When we release the illusion of control, we also release chronic disappointment—and become free to focus on what we can choose: our responses.

Influence Through Acceptance and Love

While we can’t change our partner, we can profoundly influence them. Influence is born of acceptance, love, and genuine care. When someone feels safe and seen, growth becomes self-motivated rather than externally coerced.

In practice, when one spouse makes peace with the other’s imperfections, something shifts. The loved one often begins to change—not from pressure, but from being cherished. The Lubavitcher Rebbe taught that believing in someone helps them access their own potential. Seeing a partner not as a bundle of flaws but as a soul in process invites their best self to emerge.

Boundaries and Assertiveness: Honest, Not Controlling

Acceptance is not passivity. Healthy relationships require honest communication and clear boundaries. Assertiveness says: “Here’s what I need, here’s what I can’t accept”—without shaming or controlling. Boundaries honor free will: we don’t force change; we state our truth, protect our dignity, and allow natural consequences to speak.

The Dance of Growth: Patience and Belief

Growth is rarely linear. It’s a dance—steps forward, pauses, missteps. Our role is to hold a hopeful vision of what the relationship can become, and to act consistently with that hope. Belief shapes tone and behavior; it becomes an atmosphere where change feels possible.

Influence Begins with Acceptance

Influence—not control—is the true work of love. It starts with accepting ourselves and our partner as we are, while creating space for who we’re becoming. When we love without demanding, when we set respectful boundaries, and when we practice patience and faith, growth takes root.

Remember: The most powerful influence you have is what you choose to believe about your partner—and how you show that belief in your words, presence, and patience. That is where transformation begins.