As a relationship coach, I’ve seen firsthand how even the strongest couples can fall into cycles of blame and criticism. These patterns often stem from deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and the fear of not being good enough. Over the years, I’ve worked with many couples who love each other deeply but struggle to break free from these harmful dynamics. The good news is that these challenging moments offer a powerful opportunity for growth and deeper self-understanding.

Defensive reactions, though instinctive, can gradually erode the connection between partners. These behaviors often mask underlying fears of inadequacy, trapping couples in cycles of blame and criticism. Recently, some thoughtful feedback and excellent questions have deepened the exploration of this topic. One recurring question is: “I definitely need to love myself more… but how?” This inquiry highlights the need to address and understand these defensive habits. By doing so, couples can transform their relationships, fostering deeper intimacy and resilience.

Mantras, affirmations, positive self-talk, and lovingly looking into your own eyes in the mirror are essential for building your inner world. Additionally, take note of the moments when you overcome difficulties—nothing builds self-esteem like recognizing your own growth and resilience.

Relationships move through evolving, changing, and sometimes repeating cycles. Things can go really well and then suddenly slip into a painful pattern—even after months of progress. Yes, that’s normal. And yes, with commitment, it’s possible to change it.

As we usher in the joyous month of Adar, a time traditionally associated with increasing happiness, we reflect on the profound message carried within these days. The great Hagaon Rabbeinu Yitzchak Yosef explains that the reason for this heightened joy stems from gratitude to Hashem for the miracles He performed for us during this period. The joy we cultivate is not just celebratory but also deeply spiritual, signaling that these days are auspicious for blessings and goodness.

The Talmud teaches, “When Adar begins, we increase our joy,” an acknowledgment that our mazal, our fortunes, can shift toward the good. We pray for the transformation of any evil decrees into days of joy, health, unity, and salvation. Just as the month of Av gradually decreases our joy until the mourning on Tisha B’Av, Adar progressively increases our joy in preparation for Purim—the pinnacle of happiness.

Purim: The Celebration of Unity and Tolerance

But Purim is more than a festival of joy; it is the celebration of unity and tolerance. Rav Dessler emphasizes that Purim is the holiday where the Jewish people accepted the Torah out of love, rekindling the unity we first experienced at Mount Sinai when we stood “like one person with one heart.” This unity is essential for receiving the Torah, and it reawakens each year during Purim. The mitzvot of giving mishloach manot (gifts of food) and matanot l’evyonim (gifts to the poor) foster this unity by encouraging us to give, which in turn nurtures affection and love among us.

The Deeper Meaning of Drinking on Purim

The tradition of drinking on Purim also serves a spiritual purpose. As we drink “ad d’lo yada”—until we can’t differentiate between “cursed is Haman” and “blessed is Mordechai”—we let go of judgment. We relax our rigid expectations of ourselves and others, becoming more tolerant and accepting. It’s a reminder that we are all different, and yet, we must find unity even within our diversity. Interestingly, Purim is celebrated on different dates depending on whether a city was walled at the time of Yehoshua. This difference highlights that true unity does not mean uniformity; we can celebrate on different days while still maintaining internal harmony.

Unconditional Love and Hidden Miracles

The theme of unconditional love is central to Purim. Rav Shimshon Pinkus beautifully explains that Purim occurred at a time when the Jewish people were spiritually asleep. Despite their lack of merit, Hashem performed miracles on their behalf, showcasing His endless mercy and love. This is the hidden message of Purim—Hashem’s love for us is unconditional, even when we are not at our best. The hidden nature of the miracle reflects the hidden love Hashem has for us, a love that exists even when it is not immediately visible.

This is why Purim will remain a significant holiday even after the arrival of Mashiach. While in the Messianic era we will witness open miracles, Purim will serve as a reminder of Hashem’s love in times when we are not deserving, when His kindness is concealed. It is a celebration of His unwavering affection for us, even in our most flawed moments.

Embracing Ourselves with Love

In this light, Purim is not only a time to celebrate Hashem’s love but also an opportunity to embrace and love ourselves—flaws, imperfections, and all. The practice of letting go of judgments, both of others and of ourselves, is a deeply transformative aspect of Purim. As we let go, we make space for Hashem’s unconditional love to flood us, reminding us that we are worthy of love simply because we exist.

Finding Light in Darkness

As we reflect on Purim this year, in the midst of global pain and uncertainty, we are reminded of the resilience and faith displayed by so many. Even in moments of great tragedy, people have responded with love and emunah (faith), refusing to be embittered. This is the true spirit of Purim—to shine and sing even in the darkness, to trust in Hashem’s plan, even when it seems impossible to understand.

A Statement of Faith

By celebrating Purim this year, we are not just observing a holiday; we are making a profound statement of faith. We are embracing the message that Hashem’s love is constant, whether revealed or concealed. And may this emunah, this unshakable joy and trust, be the final act needed to bring about the ultimate redemption, where all will be revealed in its true light.

May we merit to experience the miracles and joys of Adar and Purim, both openly and in hidden ways, and may we see Hashem’s loving hand in every aspect of our lives.

In relationships, we often face the temptation to control—thinking if we could only steer our partner’s behavior, everything would be perfect. But control, as appealing as it seems, is never a good thing. In fact, it’s an illusion. As William Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy, taught, “The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.” We can choose our thoughts, actions, and even influence our emotions—but trying to control others breeds frustration and distance.

Free Will: The Core of Our Human Experience

The Torah teaches that each person is endowed with bechirah chofshit—free will. The Rambam (Mishneh Torah, Laws of Repentance) emphasizes that our choices are ours alone. We may long for loved ones to change, but the power to choose rests with them. Acceptance of this truth forms a foundation for healthy connection.

Our Sages note that changing one character trait can be harder than conquering a city (Avot d’Rabbi Natan 16). Real change requires inner readiness, time, and effort. When we release the illusion of control, we also release chronic disappointment—and become free to focus on what we can choose: our responses.

Influence Through Acceptance and Love

While we can’t change our partner, we can profoundly influence them. Influence is born of acceptance, love, and genuine care. When someone feels safe and seen, growth becomes self-motivated rather than externally coerced.

In practice, when one spouse makes peace with the other’s imperfections, something shifts. The loved one often begins to change—not from pressure, but from being cherished. The Lubavitcher Rebbe taught that believing in someone helps them access their own potential. Seeing a partner not as a bundle of flaws but as a soul in process invites their best self to emerge.

Boundaries and Assertiveness: Honest, Not Controlling

Acceptance is not passivity. Healthy relationships require honest communication and clear boundaries. Assertiveness says: “Here’s what I need, here’s what I can’t accept”—without shaming or controlling. Boundaries honor free will: we don’t force change; we state our truth, protect our dignity, and allow natural consequences to speak.

The Dance of Growth: Patience and Belief

Growth is rarely linear. It’s a dance—steps forward, pauses, missteps. Our role is to hold a hopeful vision of what the relationship can become, and to act consistently with that hope. Belief shapes tone and behavior; it becomes an atmosphere where change feels possible.

Influence Begins with Acceptance

Influence—not control—is the true work of love. It starts with accepting ourselves and our partner as we are, while creating space for who we’re becoming. When we love without demanding, when we set respectful boundaries, and when we practice patience and faith, growth takes root.

Remember: The most powerful influence you have is what you choose to believe about your partner—and how you show that belief in your words, presence, and patience. That is where transformation begins.

A joyful marriage is the key to lasting happiness and deep connection. When both partners prioritize joy, they not only become more likeable to one another but also create a safe haven in their relationship. However, joy doesn’t just happen—it must be cultivated from within rather than relying on external circumstances or others. Let’s explore why nurturing joy in your relationship is so essential and how it can transform your partnership.

1. Joy Makes You More Likeable

We all want to be the kind of partner our spouse loves being around. Joyful people radiate warmth, which draws others in. In a marriage, this makes a huge difference—when you approach your spouse with positivity and joy, it becomes easier to connect, communicate, and enjoy each other’s presence. Joy makes us more approachable and enjoyable to be around, naturally improving the dynamic between partners.

2. Your Relationship Starts with You

The foundation of a joyful marriage begins within. Relying on your spouse to create joy for you sets the relationship up for frustration and disappointment. True joy is self-initiated. When you cultivate happiness for yourself, you bring that into your marriage, elevating both you and your partner.

“It is a great mitzvah to be happy all the time.” — Likkutei Moharan

Rabbi Nachman of Breslov teaches that joy is not just an emotion but a spiritual responsibility. Constant joy connects us to God and brings vitality to everything we do. When we take responsibility for our own happiness, we can give love and support from a place of abundance, rather than need.

3. Joy Helps Resolve Conflict

Joyful people are less reactive and more solution-oriented. When you’re in a good mood, disagreements are less likely to escalate, and you approach conflict from a place of patience and empathy. This reduces tension, improves communication, and strengthens understanding.

4. Joy Cultivates Gratitude

Gratitude and joy are deeply intertwined. When you focus on joy, you naturally become more grateful for the good in your relationship. As Pirkei Avot asks, “Who is rich? The one who is happy with their portion.” Joy helps you see the blessings in your partner and your life together, reducing criticism and increasing appreciation.

5. Joyful People Are Natural Givers

Joyful hearts give freely. When you feel good, you’re more inclined to share goodness with your spouse. A marriage thrives when both partners give from fullness, echoing the Baal Shem Tov’s teaching that “the greatest joy comes from doing acts of kindness.”

6. Self-Love Empowers Giving

Joyful partners know how to meet their own needs so they can give from abundance, not depletion. Self-love—through rest, hobbies, or reflection—refuels your capacity to give with an open heart.

7. Joy Inspires Growth

Joy makes couples more open to growth and new experiences. It fosters curiosity and shared purpose. As Kohelet reminds us, “Enjoy life with the wife you love”—a call to nurture joy as a foundation for a flourishing partnership.

8. Avoiding Neediness

Neediness often stems from a lack of internal joy. When partners depend on each other to fill emotional voids, pressure builds. Joyful individuals bring emotional independence, allowing love to flow freely instead of clinging out of fear.

9. Joy Makes You More Loving and Accepting

When you’re filled with joy, it’s easier to accept your spouse’s flaws and focus on their good. Joy softens judgment and replaces criticism with compassion, creating a fertile ground for love to grow.

10. Joy Leads to Resilience

Life inevitably brings challenges. Joy gives you the strength to endure and recover. A joyful couple faces difficulties as a team, finding light even in hardship and hope amid struggle.

11. Joy Amplifies Connection

The more joy you cultivate, the deeper your connection becomes. Joy allows you to be present, engaged, and emotionally attuned. It enhances intimacy, communication, and shared purpose—turning your relationship into a wellspring of fulfillment.

To learn more about cultivating joy, read 19 Tips to Bring More Joy into Your Life. Remember, the happiest marriages are those where both partners take responsibility for their joy, creating a cycle of giving, growth, and resilience. Joy isn’t just a goal—it’s the heartbeat of a thriving relationship.

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, is rich with symbolism—especially in the foods that grace the table. These simanim embody our hopes for the year ahead. Remarkably, many of them also offer powerful health benefits, making the ritual both spiritually meaningful and physically nourishing. Here’s how the symbolism and science meet on your plate.

Leeks — Cutting Away Negativity

Spinach (or Chard) — Removing Obstacles

Black-Eyed Peas — Abundant Blessings

Beets — Removing Adversity

Carrots — Positive Decrees and Increase

Fish — Leadership and Abundance

Dates — End of Harm, Sweetness of Life

Pomegranate — Many Merits and Fruitfulness

Apples — Sweetness and Renewal

Honey — Sweetness and Healing

Nourishment for the Year Ahead

On Rosh Hashanah, we don’t just “wish” for goodness—we taste it. The simanim align intention with action, inviting blessings while delivering real nutrition. By savoring these foods with mindfulness, we nurture resilience, clarity, and sweetness—body and soul—at the very start of the year.

May the coming year be abundant in health, kindness, and light—inside and out.

Sukkot arrives on the heels of the Days of Awe, marking a profound shift in how we experience our relationship with God, with ourselves, and with the world around us. Whereas Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are days of judgment, introspection, and a sense of personal agency, Sukkot invites us to embrace the unknown—to dwell in vulnerability and to experience joy through a sense of surrender. The contrast between these holidays reflects a deep truth about life: there are moments when we must take control, and moments when we must release it.

The Duality of Yosef and Yehuda: Control and Surrender

In Jewish thought, two spiritual figures embody the tension between control and surrender: Yosef and Yehuda. Yosef represents the world of order and discipline, the tzaddik who governs Egypt with clarity and control. Yehuda, on the other hand, embodies surrender and fluidity—the wisdom of accepting what cannot be controlled. His path reflects the humility and trust required to embrace mystery and divine will.

The conflict between Yosef and Yehuda is not opposition but balance. Yosef’s structure builds stability, while Yehuda’s adaptability allows for renewal. Both are essential. On Sukkot, we are invited to channel Yehuda’s energy—to trust, to flow, to dwell in impermanence.

Sukkot: The Festival of Vulnerability

After the intensity of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we step out of our sturdy homes into the fragile sukkah, exposed to the elements. The sukkah teaches that no matter how hard we work to control our surroundings, ultimate security lies only in God’s protection. This vulnerability is not weakness—it is the birthplace of joy.

“The sukkah is open to the winds and rains, yet within it dwells the deepest peace.”

When discomfort arises, the nations of the world, the Midrash says, abandon their sukkot. But Israel remains, finding holiness in surrender. Sukkot challenges us to stay—to find meaning even when comfort disappears, to trust the process even when we do not understand it.

The Secret Joy of the Unknown

Yosef symbolizes the Torah we understand; Yehuda represents the Torah that transcends understanding. There is beauty in the mysteries we cannot solve. Sukkot celebrates this: the unpredictable weather, the fragile structure, the joy that blooms in uncertainty. It is precisely because we do not control the outcome that our faith becomes real.

The Emotional Movement of Sukkot: Joy Through Surrender

The lulav and etrog, waved in six directions, express life’s constant motion and the need to move with it. The physical act of shaking symbolizes emotional flexibility—the ability to remain centered amid uncertainty. The Arizal teaches that joy is greatest when we bring these symbols of motion into the sukkah, merging movement with surrender.

Sukkot and the End of Days: The Ultimate Test of Vulnerability

The Talmud says that, in the end of days, the nations will be tested with the mitzvah of the sukkah. When it grows uncomfortable, they will leave. True holiness, however, is measured not by control but by our ability to remain faithful in the unknown—to find joy precisely where certainty ends.

Sukkot calls us to embrace this truth: that in our fragility lies our strength, and in our surrender lies our greatest joy. When we step into the sukkah, we step into trust itself.

Based on teachings from Rabbi Yussie Zakutinsky and insights from Torah and Chassidus.

In the Torah, we are commanded not to take revenge and not to bear a grudge. This is a tall order! The natural human response to being hurt is often to hold onto anger, to let it fester, and to sometimes plot revenge. Yet the Torah asks us to transcend this reaction:

“You shall not take vengeance nor bear a grudge… and you shall love your fellow as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18).

A brief reminder that holiness often begins with the hardest inner work: releasing resentment and choosing love.

In the Torah, we are commanded not to take revenge and not to bear a grudge. This is a tall order! The natural human response to being hurt is often to hold onto anger, to let it fester, and to sometimes plot revenge. Yet the Torah asks us to transcend this reaction: “You shall not take vengeance nor bear a grudge… and you shall love your fellow as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18).

Rabbi Jonathan Rietti highlights a profound insight about these two commands. We might expect the Torah to give us time to cool off between letting go of anger and reaching the lofty commandment of loving our neighbor. But the Torah places these concepts side by side for a reason. The truth is, our feelings of hatred, anger, and revenge are often deeply embedded in our thoughts, not our essence. And just as quickly as a thought forms, it can shift. Hashem knows us better than anyone, and He knows we are capable of making that immediate mental switch—from resentment to love.

Healing Through the Ribono Shel Olam Prayer

I once had a profound realization while reciting the Ribono Shel Olam prayer before bedtime, which includes a passage about forgiving others. At first, I viewed the prayer as a way to clear the day’s slate, forgiving those who may have wronged me in some minor way. But I began to see it as something far more powerful.

Forgiveness is not just about the small slights we experience each day. Sometimes, it requires us to dive deeper into our past, where real pain may reside—unintentional wrongs or major life-altering harm caused by others. The prayer says, “whether to my body, my money, my honor… whether intentionally, or unintentionally.” These words remind us that releasing our grip on the past can be deeply healing.

While this process may require time, therapy, and support, forgiveness offers liberation for the victim. It brings tremendous blessings into our lives. As the Sages teach, Hashem treats us the way we treat others. When we forgive, we invite divine mercy upon ourselves, clearing the path for our own forgiveness in areas where we too may have caused harm.

‘Forgiving’ God and Generational Forgiveness

One night, as I recited the prayer, I found myself saying, “I forgive You, Hashem, for putting me through such and such.” At first, this startled me. But then, I realized that part of the forgiveness journey is reconciling with the challenges Hashem has placed in our lives.

I also found myself forgiving my parents, grandparents, and even distant ancestors for decisions they made that, directly or indirectly, affected me. While they may not need my forgiveness, it felt like this act was shifting something larger in the world—sending out a ripple effect of forgiveness that cleanses not just me but the world around me.

Torah law teaches that complete forgiveness before Hashem only occurs when we are forgiven by the person we have wronged. By offering forgiveness, we tip the scales of judgment toward mercy, both for ourselves and others.

The Power of Self-Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not complete until we forgive ourselves. Often, we hold onto guilt and shame for mistakes we made, things we regret saying or doing, or opportunities we missed. These feelings can block spiritual growth. But teshuvah is not just about letting go of guilt—it’s about embracing compassion for ourselves.

Chassidic teachings, particularly from the Lubavitcher Rebbe, emphasize that every Jew has infinite potential. By forgiving ourselves, we unlock this potential and align with our divine purpose. The Baal Shem Tov teaches that each of us carries a divine spark, and self-compassion is the key to nurturing that spark into its full radiance. Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi teaches that self-forgiveness and compassion are necessary to achieve true teshuvah and transformation.

Practical Steps to Forgiveness

• Reflection: Identify unresolved resentments or grudges. Are there people you need to forgive to free yourself from the burden of anger?
• Prayer: Use the Ribono Shel Olam prayer as a tool for release. Let its words soften old pain.
• Action: If appropriate, reach out—or write a letter you may or may not send. The act of writing can facilitate healing.
• Self-Compassion: Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Remember that teshuvah is about growth, not punishment.
• Speak to Hashem: If you grapple with hardships, say so. Our tradition teaches that challenges can elevate us, even when we don’t yet see how.

Forgiveness as a Path to Peace

Forgiveness is more than a spiritual requirement—it is a tool for personal peace. It clears emotional and spiritual baggage, strengthening our relationship with Hashem, others, and ourselves.

The Zohar teaches that when we forgive others—especially in sacred seasons—we generate a ripple of blessing and light. As the Rambam writes, forgiveness is a gift not only for the forgiven but for the forgiver; it opens the heart and allows divine mercy to flow.

May we all merit the strength to forgive, to heal, and to enter Yom Kippur with hearts unburdened. May this act tip the scales toward kindness, bringing a year of peace, joy, and renewal.

In relationships, as in life, we often yearn for balance between strength and gentleness, independence and connection, logic and emotion. The sun and moon—two great luminaries in creation—offer us a powerful allegory for this delicate balance. Their symbolism teaches us how to honor our unique roles, shine in our own light, and build stronger, more harmonious relationships.

The Two Great Luminaries: A Cosmic Parable

The Torah tells us that on the fourth day of creation, Hashem made “two great luminaries”—the sun and the moon. At first, both shone equally bright. Then the moon asked, “How can two kings share one crown?” Hashem responded by diminishing the moon’s light, setting in motion the eternal dance between masculine and feminine energies. This story offers not only cosmic insight but also a profound reflection on the dynamics between men and women, guiding us toward balance, intimacy, and spiritual wholeness.

Masculine and Feminine: Strength and Reflection

The sun, symbolizing the masculine, burns with steady brilliance—radiating strength, stability, and purpose. The moon, representing the feminine, waxes and wanes, reflecting the sun’s light in rhythmic cycles. Feminine energy is fluid, responsive, and reflective—its beauty lies in its ability to adapt and transform.

In relationships, these qualities intertwine. The masculine may embody consistency and provision, while the feminine expresses emotional sensitivity and creativity. Challenges arise when one tries to overpower or mirror the other, rather than complement it. True harmony comes when both recognize their divine purpose and support each other’s light.

The Cosmic Dance: Yearning for Connection

When Hashem diminished the moon, it wasn’t punishment—it was preparation. The moon’s cycles mirror the natural ebb and flow of intimacy, connection, and renewal in relationships. The Prophet Yeshayahu promises a future when “the light of the moon will be like the light of the sun.” This symbolizes an ultimate unity when both energies—masculine and feminine—shine with equal strength, distinct yet harmonious.

Our goal isn’t for women to imitate men or for men to suppress emotion, but for each to embrace their unique spiritual light. The Torah’s wisdom invites both energies to meet in mutual respect and love, rather than competition.

Feminine Power and the Torah’s View on Intimacy

Secular cultures often distort womanhood—either idealizing purity to the point of repression or reducing it to physicality. Torah, however, places women at the spiritual heart of creation. It celebrates intimacy as sacred, elevating the woman’s emotional and physical needs as central to holiness. The mitzvah of Onah recognizes a wife’s need for connection and respect, affirming her dignity and emotional world.

This perspective reveals the Torah’s revolutionary view of femininity: not as passive reflection but as the vessel through which divine love and unity are revealed.

From Disconnection to Deeper Connection

Adam and Chava were created as one being and then separated so they could learn the art of reunion. Their separation was essential for true connection—just as the moon’s diminishment allows its renewal. Relationships naturally move through distance and closeness; each phase can become a doorway to growth and compassion.

The cherubim (kruvim) in the Holy of Holies faced one another in divine embrace. This symbolizes emotional openness—the willingness to truly see and be seen. Modern research by Dr. John Gottman echoes this ancient wisdom: strong relationships depend on respect, emotional availability, and consistent connection.

Navigating Modern Life

In our busy world of career demands and family stress, maintaining balance can feel impossible. But even chaos holds spiritual purpose. Aaron HaCohen modeled peacekeeping not by avoidance but by gentle presence. He taught that shalom bayit—peace in the home—is the foundation of peace in the world.

The Baal Shem Tov reminds us that every challenge is an opportunity for elevation. Feelings of neediness or frustration aren’t flaws—they’re invitations to access deeper divine strength.

The Spiritual Power of Intimacy

The Torah teaches that when husband and wife unite in love and holiness, the Shechinah—the Divine Presence—dwells between them. This sacred unity mirrors the image of the kruvim, whose embrace represented harmony between heaven and earth.

The Ramban, in Iggeret HaKodesh, explains that intimacy performed with love and intention sanctifies physical life itself. It becomes an act of creation, drawing down holiness just as the moon reflects the sun’s light back into the world.

Conclusion: Embracing Our Unique Light

At times we may feel like the moon—hidden, uncertain, yearning for light. Yet every phase carries purpose. By embracing our divine design—our unique blend of strength and receptivity—we bring healing to our relationships and to the world.

The sun and moon teach us that true balance isn’t sameness but harmony. As we move toward the time when both will shine as one, may we learn to honor both energies within ourselves and with those we love.

Call to Action

Reflect: Think of a time when you felt distant from your spouse or a loved one. How can you use that distance as a catalyst for growth? What qualities of the sun or moon can you bring into the relationship today?

Through this reflection, may we each rediscover our unique light—and bring it into divine harmony with others and with God.