Anger

Anger: How to Nip It in the Bud

“One who is slow to anger is better than a mighty warrior, and one who rules his spirit is better than one who captures a city.” (Proverbs 16:32)

Do you have memories of moments when anger led you to say something hurtful or do something you later regretted? Anger can feel overwhelming, and its consequences can linger for years, leaving a trail of pain in its wake.

The Talmud equates losing control in anger with idol worship, because it represents surrendering power to emotion instead of maintaining faith and self-mastery. This striking comparison highlights just how consuming anger can be.

Learning to calm yourself when anger strikes is essential for emotional balance, healthy relationships, and avoiding regret.

But what happens when we lose control? Why do we react so explosively—and what can we do about it?

The Brain’s Role in Anger

Psychologist Dan Siegel describes the difference between the “animal brain” and the “cerebral brain.” When you feel threatened, the instinctive part of the brain takes over. Your heart rate rises, adrenaline surges, and you react impulsively—even when there is no real danger.

To calm down, you must learn to self-regulate by engaging the more rational, mature part of the brain. This is a skill that can be developed with practice.

Here are practical tools to help you nip anger in the bud:

1. Know Your Triggers

Are you walking into a room with someone you have tension with? Are you hungry, overtired, or overstimulated? Awareness is your first line of defense.

Before entering a potentially charged situation—or even as you feel tension rising—pause and consider how your reaction could affect your relationships or goals.

Try identifying the root of the anger. Ask yourself: What am I actually upset about? Is it hurt, unmet expectations, or feeling disrespected? Naming the emotion engages your logical brain and can immediately lower intensity.

Since you can’t always prepare in advance, the following tools can help in the moment.

2. Use Physical Tools to Calm Down

When anger is activated, the body is in a primal state. Addressing the physical response first often helps restore control.

Try deep breathing: inhale through your nose for four counts, hold for four, and exhale through your mouth for four. Breathe into your belly rather than your chest. This signals safety to the nervous system.

Small physical actions can also reset your state. There’s a well-known story of a rabbi who would change his coat when anger rose—symbolizing a shift in mindset. You might try sipping a warm drink, washing your face, taking a brisk walk, or doing physical movement.

Be mindful of body language. Lower your tone, avoid pointing or grabbing, and use “I” statements rather than blame. Say, “I feel frustrated,” instead of, “You always do this.”

3. Slow Down

Sometimes the wisest response is no response—yet.

When anger surges, resist the urge to react immediately. Give yourself time. Walk away if needed. Many issues do not require instant resolution, especially in marriage or parenting.

Allowing hours—or even days—before addressing an issue often leads to calmer, wiser conversations. Learn to sit with unresolved tension instead of rushing to fix it.

4. Sit with Discomfort

Not every uncomfortable feeling requires immediate action. Learning to tolerate discomfort without reacting is a powerful skill.

Practice noticing the sensation of anger without acting on it. Gently explore what it’s teaching you. Over time, this trains the brain to perceive fewer situations as threats, reducing impulsive reactions.

5. Create Mantras or Affirmations

Anger often stems from insecurity or rigid thinking. Knowing your emotional weak spots allows you to prepare grounding phrases in advance.

Try repeating:

“This too shall pass.”
“Temporary mess is okay.”
“My relationship is more important than being right.”
“I am safe; I can handle this.”
“People are more important than things.”
“My way isn’t the only way.”

Choose what resonates with you. Combine affirmations with deep breathing for best results.

Anger doesn’t have to control you. By understanding your triggers, calming your body, slowing your reactions, and practicing self-awareness, you can respond in ways that align with your values.

Remember: “Who is strong? One who conquers their inclination.” (Pirkei Avot 4:1)

You have the power to choose your response.