We all have traits that we don’t love—traits that might even embarrass us. Whether it’s a quick temper, a tendency to procrastinate, or a habit of being overly critical, these aspects of ourselves often seem so ingrained that we accept them as part of our personality. Over time, we might even stop trying to change them, convincing ourselves that they are simply “who we are.” But is this acceptance always the healthiest approach?

While self-acceptance is crucial for maintaining self-esteem and mental health, there is a fine line between accepting ourselves and resigning ourselves to aspects of our personality that cause harm. Ignoring these less desirable traits can lead to a lack of honesty with ourselves and may result in self-sabotage, missed opportunities, or even pain for ourselves and others.

The Importance of Facing Our Flaws

Self-acceptance doesn’t mean ignoring our flaws; it means acknowledging them without judgment and committing to personal growth. By not facing these less-than-desirable traits, we deny ourselves the chance to grow. Moreover, we might be inadvertently sabotaging our potential or causing harm in our relationships and life opportunities. Not confronting these traits can lead to a lack of integrity, both within ourselves and in our interactions with others.

Being honest with ourselves about our weaknesses is not easy, but it’s necessary. This process of soul-searching and self-examination is known in Jewish tradition as Cheshbon Hanefesh, or “accounting of the soul.” For centuries, Jews have engaged in this practice to enhance their personal growth and moral development.

What is Cheshbon Hanefesh?

Cheshbon Hanefesh is a traditional Jewish practice of self-reflection and moral inventory, dating back centuries. The term itself means “accounting of the soul,” and it involves taking a deep, honest look at one’s actions, thoughts, and behaviors to identify areas for improvement. This practice has been an integral part of Jewish spiritual life, particularly during the month of Elul, leading up to the High Holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, when introspection and repentance are emphasized.

Historically, the concept was formalized in the classic Jewish text, Cheshbon Hanefesh, written by Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Satanov in the late 18th century. The book provides a guide for self-improvement, outlining steps to identify and correct personal flaws, thus helping individuals live more righteous and fulfilling lives.

Three Methods for Cheshbon Hanefesh

In a recent weekly Zoom session with Rebbetzin Tziporah Gottlieb, we learned three practical ways to engage in Cheshbon Hanefesh. These methods offer structured approaches to self-examination and personal growth.

Method 1: The Classical Approach

Step One: Identify Traits to Improve

Begin by identifying 2–4 traits you want to work on. The early sages often tackled up to 12 traits simultaneously, but it’s more manageable to start with a few. Choose traits that resonate with your sense of truth, compassion, mindfulness, or positivity.

• Cultivating honesty and integrity
• Becoming more compassionate
• Practicing mindfulness in daily behaviors
• Developing a more positive and optimistic outlook

Step Two: Research and Observe

Once you’ve identified the traits, research them. Observe your behavior throughout the day, noting when these traits are challenged. Reflect on how these traits impact your life, or discuss your observations with a mentor or trusted friend.

• How does this trait manifest in my daily life?
• What impact does it have on my relationships and personal growth?
• How would improving this trait change my life for the better?

Step Three: Create a Personal Mantra

Develop a personal mantra or sentence that encapsulates your commitment to improving each trait. This mantra should be something that resonates deeply with you, serving as a reminder of your goals.

• “I am committed to living a life of honesty and integrity.”
• “My heart is open to compassion and understanding.”
• “I choose to focus on the good in every situation.”
• “I am mindful of my actions and their impact.”
• “Positivity and optimism guide my thoughts and actions.”

Step Four: Implementing Change

Use a notebook to track your progress. Write down your selected traits and review them every morning. Throughout the day, keep the mantra in mind, and at night, record your reflections on how you adhered to your goals. Rotate the traits each week, allowing yourself to focus on different aspects of personal growth over time.

Method 2: The Social Approach

Find a friend or a small group of friends to share this journey with. Meet weekly—whether in person, over the phone, or on Zoom—to discuss your progress. Encourage and support each other, creating a sense of accountability. It’s important to ensure privacy within the group, so everyone feels safe sharing their experiences.

Method 3: Making God Your Mentor

Carve out a specific time each morning to speak with God about your progress, challenges, and goals. This method fosters a deep sense of connection and accountability to a higher power. While some may find this method difficult, those who do embrace it often experience a profound sense of divine presence and guidance throughout their day.

Rebbetzin Gottlieb recommends starting with five minutes each morning and gradually increasing the time as needed. However, she advises not to exceed half an hour, as the quality of the time spent is more important than the quantity.

A Slightly Different Approach: Reflecting on Your Life’s Timeline

Another method to identify traits for improvement is to reflect on your life’s timeline. Divide your life into segments (early childhood, late childhood, early adulthood, etc.), and ask yourself the following questions:

• What are the most significant events I remember from this period?
• How did I respond at the time, without judgment?
• From my current perspective, are these the responses I would want to make in similar situations today?
• What was in it for me when I made good choices? What about when I made bad choices?

By answering these questions, you can identify patterns in your behavior and motivations, which will help you determine which traits to focus on for improvement.

The Power of Commitment and Consistency

Regardless of which method you choose, the key to success is commitment and consistency. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but with persistent effort, you will start to see positive results. Our innate desire to be good drives this transformation, compelling us to align our actions with our values.

However, the biggest challenge is maintaining this commitment. It’s easy to feel a sense of accomplishment after a few weeks and then lose momentum, only to slip back into old habits. The result of giving up too soon is that we miss out on the deeper, more lasting transformation that could have been achieved.

Soul searching and Cheshbon Hanefesh are powerful tools for personal growth and self-improvement. By honestly examining our flaws and committing to change, we can live more fulfilling lives and positively impact those around us. Whether through personal reflection, social accountability, or divine guidance, the path to becoming our best selves is within reach.

The journey may be challenging, but the rewards are immeasurable. Remember, the most important step is the first one—acknowledging the need for change and taking action. The rest will follow, one small step at a time.

May your journey of self-reflection lead to clarity, compassion, and a renewed sense of purpose.